Fortunately, this time, she won’t be in front of the camera.

Unfortunately, she’ll be behind it…

Anyone who’s had to endure “Filth and Wisdom” knows that Madonna, the Director is as trite, wooden and lacking in talent as Madonna, the Thespian. Any message that that film wanted to convey was lost behind a constant barrage of loud gypsy music, hammy performances and cliched dialogue.

After her attempt to recreate “Casablanca” (mercifully) fell through (she wanted to play Ingrid Bergman’s character, for crying out loud!), Madge has decided to make her own love story.

The 51-year-old told Absolute Now: ‘I just finished writing a script and I am trying to get funding and casting for it, believe it or not.’
‘It’s called We and it’s a love story. It is two parallel love stories told from a woman’s point of view, obviously. One is a historical story that took place with the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. And the other is one I made up about a couple in New York.’

Madonnalicious also reports – “It is thought that Madonna will not star in the forthcoming film.”

Thank God for small mercies!!!

Here’s what I have posted…

1. One of my earliest memories is splashing around in the fountain outside the University of Pune gate I must have been 2-3 years old at the time. Every evening, my mother and I would walk the 1.5 kms to “Gate”, as everyone called the place. Well…she’d walk…I used to get a free ride in her arms. And like all the other parents, Aai would either sit or walk on the outer periphery while I played in the water. On most days, the fountain jets would be turned off so it was basically a puddle with tiles on the bottom . Still, the fountain was the one source of fun for a lot of us pre-T.V, pre-internet youngsters.

It was also the only source of water for the thelawalas who were lined up across the road. To this day, I cringe whenever I see someone eating pani-puri on the road-side.

2. I lived the first 2 years of my life in Sharjah, U.A.E. I don’t remember a thing about the place. I look at the photos from that time and wonder how my life would have shaped up if we’d never come back. I have few regrets about my life or the way things have turned out but still…I wonder.

3. My grandmother loved me to bits. Mami was an excellent cook and loved receiving compliments on her culinary skills. Pity that all I ever ate till the age of 12 was pumpkin!! Morning, noon and night, the only thing I would eat was Mami’s “Bhoplyachi Bhaji”. In fact, that’s what my uncle used to call me – Bhoplya…Pumpkin. For those who understand Marathi, that’s not exactly a term of endearment

4. Growing up, I had acquired the weirdest set of nicknames. My dad would call me “Andre” or “Plankoolilila”…whatever the hell that means. My Uncle had come up with a long list of these names…Bhoplya, Dhapnya ( Specko), Trikonya ( for my large triangular head), Char Dolya ( Four eyes), Madonnya ( sigh), Pustakya ( book-worm). Sometimes, he’d call me all these names in rapid succession, just to irritate me. But it was all in good fun.

Why no one thought of calling me “JD” or simply “Jai” is beyond me.

Things didn’t improve much as I got older. During my MBA, I had to endure some painfully awful re-imaginings of my good name. But more on that later.

5. I’ve always been a bit of a loner. As a child, I grew up in a joint family consisting only of adults. We stayed on Baner Road which, in those days was a pretty remote and lonely area. There weren’t too many houses nearby and till the age of 5 or 6, I hadn’t met any kids my own age. I guess that’s why I’m more comfortable interacting with people older than me. The older, the easier.

6. I discovered books at the age of 3-4. For me, they were more than just a way to pass the time, they were a refuge, an alternate reality that I loved escaping to. My dad bought me my first book and taught me to read it – “Three Little Pigs”. My grandfather (Nana) loved to indulge me and right upto my early teens, bought me at least 2 books per week.

Despite that, there are still so many books that, for some reason, I never got around to reading. While I have read Shakespeare and Dickens, Austen and Kipling, I haven’t read a lot of the modern classics like “Catch-22” or “Catcher In The Rye” or “To Kill A Mockingbird”. The list is endless. Well, at least I know that I’ll never run out of books to buy and read

7. ABBA’s music had a way to calm me down. As a child, I was extremely cranky (how little things change ). Only one thing would get me to pipe down…ABBA’s “Super Trouper”. The song is sung so, so sweetly and has chimes and bells and a great hook…to my young ears, it sounded like a lullaby. So, every afternoon before my nap, Aai would play the tape in our swanky Sharjah-returned JVC tape recorder and I’d be off to the happy hunting-grounds in no time at all.

8. I love animals…always have. I used to bring home stray pups and kittens with me from school all the time. I’d get out of the school bus and welcome my mom or grandfather with a fluffy little flea-infested bundle of joy (eh, that’s the animal, not me!) Of course, I was never allowed to keep them.

My parents did relent and got me a Doberman pup that I named Tony, in honour of my best friend in school. He stayed for a total of 14 days coz Mami just couldn’t handle all the poop. Then, as compensation, I was bought a parrot but after just a week, it was given away to one of Dad’s friends. I was told that he had gone to stay with a Throat Doctor who would teach him to talk. I can’t believe I fell for a line like that!

9. I hate cricket. I don’t know why but I hate it! Coming from a family which produced at least 1 Ranji player and scores of club-level players, I committed blasphemy when I refused to hold a bat in my hands. Despite all the cajoling and threatening and teasing from friends and family alike, or perhaps because of it, I stayed as far away from the game as I could. Hatred has turned to an tired indifference. But in office, when I see my colleagues go into waves of orgasms just talking about the 20-20 matches, I have to shake my head in disbelief. I just don’t get it!

10. I rode the intercity bus alone for the first time when I was 12. It was from my Aunt’s house in Chembur, Mumbai to Shivajinagar Bus Stand, Pune. On my seat, I found a worn paperback novel. I picked it up. It was “79 Park Avenue” by Harold Robbins. For the next 3.5 hours, I was transfixed! I didn’t drink any Thums Up, I didn’t eat any oily chips. I didn’t even buy Maganlal Chikki at Lonavla. It was just me and the book!!

That night, I discovered masturbation.

11. Another turning point in my life was my parents’ divorce when I was 13. They’d been separated for a while and the decree came through in the summer of 1992. By September the same year, Dad had remarried. My step-mom and I didn’t have the smoothest of relationships. We’ve been at war more times than we want to remember. But, over the years, we have managed to iron out the creases. When I visit my parents today and my step-mom cooks me my favourite chicken curry and gajar ka halwa (such a cliché!), it’s like those rocky times never were.

12. Around the same time that I was adjusting to the new situation at home, I also fell in love. Things haven’t been the same since she came into my life. I still haven’t seen her in the flesh but I sure hope to some day! Those who know me well know who I’m talking about…MADONNA. From the first time I saw her video on MTV, I was enraptured! If you want to know what true bhakti (devotion) is, look no further than me and my sweet lady . Over the years, I have bought every album, read every interview, seen every film (yes, including Body of Evidence AND Swept Away!) and downloaded every video and concert. I know every line of every song and can identify which song it is from just the first couple of bars…no kidding!! This is a love that will never grow old!

13. College was a haze. I cut classes and preferred reading my books and listening to Madonna. I graduated in 2000, gave up on my Chartered Accountancy course in 2001 and enrolled for my MBA in 2002. I got my first job and my first salary in June 2004. After less than 1 year, I bought my own house. And that is when LIFE really began!

14. I am very proud of the fact that I have my own house. Having my own space has always been my greatest need. And all the things that are important to me today – my friends, my hobbies, my spiritual life – all these things could flower and grow only because I had the freedom and the space that allowed their nurture. The house came to me at a time when I desperately needed a roof over my head. And I know that a combination of forces – God, Luck, Fate, Kismet – got together and helped me. I simply asked for a house and I received it!

15. My spiritual quest began in 2001. I was a member of the Rotaract Club and had met a few people who swore by the Art of Living course. I enrolled for the week-long Basic Level Kriya in September 2001. It was my first attempt at meditation, though I approached it as something that could help me concentrate on my studies (that’s what I had been told about the course). The Sudarshan Kriya was taught on Day 4 of 6 and the experience was unlike anything else I had experienced. But very soon, I realised that AOL is just a cult and like any other mass movement aimed at “Serving Humanity”, everything came at a cost. Dogmas abound, diets and dress-codes are essential and attending Satsangs is considered the only way to Salvation…that and paying for the next level course. I gave it up in 2002. I mean no offence to any one who is part of AOL and hold Sri Sri Ravishankar in utmost respect but it wasn’t for me.

16. The Graphology course taught by Filly and Mahrukh Cama which also I attended in 2002 was important for two reasons: firstly, it introduced me to this wonderful Parsi couple who have become my dear friends and mentors. For me, a lot of firsts have started at the Cama residence. Importantly, this was my first attempt at trying to understand my own Self and my potential.

17. 2005 was a watermark year for me. The year started with me buying a house. And, by the second month itself, I found what I had been looking for – a genuine Guru. Rohit Arya is a true polymath – an expert on a variety of subjects ranging from Hinduism to World Mythology, from Yoga and Pranayam to deeper, more subtle forms of Occult and Mysticism. He gave me what I consider the greatest gift I have ever received – The Tarot. I could not have asked for a better spiritual tool for decision-making and knowing myself. And there isn’t a better teacher than Rohit.

18. I was encouraged to adopt an Integral approach to learning – one thing is never enough, one thing can never have all the answers. The Key is to keep looking, keep learning, keep imbibing and to keep growing. No knowledge, no experience will ever be a waste of time. Apart from Tarot, I did courses on Dream Work and The Enneagram, Reiki and Kundalini Kriya Yoga, joined (and promptly rejected) yet another cult. I found resonance with some things and not with others. Either ways, it expanded and changed the way I look at Life. I got a clearer vision of My Ideal Scene and how I can achieve it. So, as rightly said, there is something to be learnt and gained from everything.

19. It’s been a long journey leading up to my 30th birthday this year. There certainly wasn’t a lack of challenges. There are some things I wish hadn’t happened, others that I wish I could forget. And some more things that I would want to have happened in a different way. But without those experiences and mistakes, I wouldn’t be where I am. More importantly, they cannot take away anything from where I want to go and what I can do to get there. All Possibilities Exist.

20. So where DO I want to go? I have a list of goals, am working on an Ideal Scene, and bit by bit, I’m getting closer to them. Here’s what I’m working on for 2009:

21. Goal 1: Get Movin’…you know what I’m talking about!!

22. Goal 2: Travel the World….starting this year. I have friends who want me to come visit them and I want to tell them that I WILL.

23. Goal 3: Write More.

24. Goal 4: Handle Finances Better and Cut Down On Debts

25. Ithi Jaideep Puranam Samaptham sorry, after writing so much, couldn’t think of anything more to say!

There’s a ritual they follow every month, one that I’ve learnt to turn to my advantage. My dabba billing cycle starts on the first of each month. I pay an advance amount and the final bill for the remainder is presented to me on the first day of the next month. No matter the quality of the food on the other nights of the month, bill payment time really brings out Aunty’s culinary skills.From the 1st of the month till the time that the bill is settled, a piping-hot feast is laid out for me, night after night. But mind you, only until I’ve made the payment. After that, it’s the same old fare leaving me craving for more chicken and meat, biryani and kheer.

Until, one day I discovered how I could make this work for me: I started delaying the payment!

I used to be quite naive once…settling the bill for the previous month and paying a sum of money as advance for the next and that too before the 3rd of the month. So the nights of gastronomical bliss were restricted to just those few first days every month.

But now that I no longer pay on time, it’s a Food Festival every night! It’s already the sixth of the month and I still haven’t paid my bill. And what do I get for it? Chicken Curry, Pulao and Idli!! The last dish might appear to be an odd choice. But tomorrow morning, it’ll look like breakfast

I still haven’t eaten anything sweet this month. Maybe a delay of another day might give them a hint.

But back to the Awards. The 2009 ceremony has to be one of the most vibrant, colourful and heart-warming Oscar nights in a really long time.

Hugh Jackman’s the DUDE: We’ve loved him as Wolverine. We know he’s good-looking and charming…didn’t need People magazine to tell us that. Apparently, he’s also quite good at the whole song-and-dance routine. He can now add another feather to his hat…that of Oscar host. While he may not be as funny as Billy Crystal (my favourite Oscar Host of all time), he brought something of his own to the role tonight. He was warm, charismatic, and seemed to be having a great time. And boy, can he shake a leg! From the opening number where he was ably aided by Anne Hathaway to the stunning Broadway/MGM Musical-inspired number with Beyonce Knowles, he set the theme for the night: Forget your worries, forget the recession. If only for a night, don’t think about your mortgage payments. You’re among friends tonight, let’s celebrate Life and the Movies! And as for the question: Should he be brought back next year? – Abso-fucking-lutely

The Theme – WELCOME TO THE FAMILY: In a break from tradition, the acting awards were handed out by previous winners in the same category. Giant screens ran us through a bevy of previous winners, some of whom we don’t even remember anymore. Then, the screens parted and out walked 5 previous winners. 5 past winners talking to 5 present nominees. Each of them named a nominee and spoke about the work for which they had been selected. You could see the gratitude in the eyes of each nominee as their work was appreciated. Most of the nominees were probably in awe of the person talking to them from up on the stage but in a few cases, like last year’s Best Actress Winner Marion Cotillard who had the task of talking about 6-time nominee Kate Winslet, the presenter was clearly the one whose knees had turned to putty.

The only time that this new awards presentation design jarred a bit was for the first acting award of the night, that of Best Supporting Actress. One of the 5 past winners talked about welcoming a new actress into their fold and I swear, it sounded like an Illuminati-esque secret society or some other-world (read “Alien”) colony that had been sent back to claim one of their own. But it was probably Tilda Swinton’s towering White/Blond Stepford sternness that gave it an unintentional creepy aura. You almost expected it to end with a line like “You can’t escape now!” complete with cackling laughter and talons digging into terrified skin.

Except for this one slip-up, at no point did this Rampage of Appreciation sound phony and “played” for the cameras. Here was Oscar with a genuine heart…and it was wonderful!

Another reason why this style worked – More stars on stage to ogle at than ever before.

Secondary Theme – Less Bling-Bling…kinda: To quote a too-often repeated line from the current season of Desperate Housewives, “It’s the Recession…” And that meant a little less in-you-face extravagance on the Red Carpet. But it IS the Oscars, so the gowns were still Versace and the solitare diamonds were, like always from Cartier. But the graceful necks and lithe wrists did look a tad bare this year. But only a tad, mind you Of course, the glitter and sparkle of the 100,000 Swarovski crystals adorning the stage at the Kodak Theatre more than made up for the stars’ frugality (?). Hugh Jackman with his cardboard cut-outs to make up for a supposed lack of expensive set designs was funny.

STARpower: A lot of fresh-faced talent (?) walked through the Kodak Theatre this year. Tween-starlets Zac Efron and Miley Cyrus (fully clothed), the Vampire-kid from Twilight. But the ones that really captured the most attention were the veritable Hollywood A-listers. Branjelina, Kate Winslet, 15-time nominee and Hollywood Dame Meryl Streep, Robert Downey, Jr., Sean Penn, Amy Adams (yes, she deserves to be included in this list), Anne Hathaway (her too!), Penelope Cruz and many more. Notable Absentee – Jack!

Underdog Mickey Rourke and Slumdog Dev Patel were there as well, looking like they needed to be pinched. And, of course, almost the entire cast of Slumdog Millionaire, complete with the child actors and of course, Anil Kapoor and A.R Rehman.

Did I mention that Jack Nicholson – JACK – was not there? Well, Bond, James Bond was, so that’s some consolation.

And The Award Goes To…: The main attraction, of course was the Awards presentation. Not too many surprises there. There was 1 hotly-contested category that did not disappoint. And another award that, though given to the most deserving person, still managed to disappoint.

I have arranged the Awards in chronological order, so the juiciest bits are right at the end. So you can be forgiven for jumping there right now

Best Performance By An Actress In A Supporting Role:

PENELOPE CRUZ – VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA

The first winner of the evening. (I promptly started downloading the film on The Pirate Bay…22% done.) The film has been sharply divided among critics but the Academy had no doubts about Ms. Cruz’s performance. Ever the gracious one, she remembered to thank Pedro Almodovar whose film “Volver” had given her wide acclaim and her first Oscar nomination.

Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly For The Screen:

DUSTIN LANCE BLACK – MILK

The former Mormon boy who said in his acceptance speech that he was inspired by Harvey Milk. Years later, he wrote the screenplay based on Milk’s life’s story and won the Oscar for it.

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published:

SIMON BEAUFOY – SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

The first win for the film. I have no idea if “Q&A” by Vikas Swarup is a good read or not. But irrespective of the original source material quality, there is no doubt that Mr. Beaufoy did a fantastic job with the film’s narrative.

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year:

WALL-E

I got my hands on this disc ages ago but I’ve heard so much hype about it that I was scared of actually watching it. (Something akin to the fear I had for “Slumdog”). Now that it’s won an Oscar, somehow I still can’t bring myself to watch it. I think I’ll catch “Kung Fu Panda” instead.

Best Short Film, Animated:

LA MAISON EN PETITS CUBES

My French is no good but I think roughly translated, it means “The Builder of Small Cubes” or “Squares”. Maybe “Bricks”. Don’t know what chances there are of finding this film. The first of two Japanese films to win tonight. Don’t ask me what the Japanese title is.

Best Achievement in Art Direction:

DONALD GRAHAM BURT, VICTOR J. ZOLFO – THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTONS

These guys beat the team that was responsible for “The Dark Knight”. I still don’t want to watch “Ben B”

Best Achievement in Costume Design:

MICHAEL O’CONNOR – THE DUCHESS

I think he deserves the award. After all, he had the onerous task of making Keira Knightley look curvaceous and desirable.

Best Achievement in Makeup:

GREG CANNOM – THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTONS

This I don’t get: Brad Pitt was mostly a CGI character and the only make-up Cate Blanchett wore was a sardonic smile in her scenes with Mr. Pitt or the dwarf with the blue bag on his head. So who was wearing the Lancome?

Best Achievement in Cinematography:

ANTHONY DOD MANTLE – SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

As much as I like the film, I wish they’d given this one to “The Dark Knight”…just so that the film would have won something!

Best Short Film, Live Action:

JOCHEN ALEXANDER FREYDANK – SPEILZUGLAND

Seth Rogen and James Franco in “Pineapple Express”-mode were hilarious. And the producer’s German accent was intriguing. That’s all I can say about that.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role:

HEATH LEDGER – THE DARK KNIGHT

THE most deserving award of the evening. Maybe it’s a fitting tribute to Heath that he won “The Dark Knight” it’s first Oscar. The award was accepted by the late actor’s parents and sister. The three of them put up a brave front and managed not to dissolve into tears as they accepted the honour “on behalf of his beautiful Matilda”.

Best Documentary, Features:

JAMES MARSH, SIMON CHINN – MAN ON WIRE

Tightrope walker Philippe Petit, the subject of this documentary provided one of the livelier and un-Hollywood moments of the evening by performing a magic trick on stage. An interesting man should make an interesting subject for a film. I’ll add this one to the downloads list.

Best Documentary, Short Subjects:

MEGAN MYLAN – SMILE PINKI

Yet another India connection. This time, a short film about cleft-lip repair surgery carried out by an NGO and a group of doctors lead by a certain Dr. Subhash (he was there in the audience).

Best Achievement in Visual Effects:

ERIC BARBA, STEVE PREEG, BURT DALTON, CRAIG BARRON – you guessed it… THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTONS

Hmmm…I guess I could concede this one to Ben B. No, wait – didn’t The Dark Knight have that jaw-dropping, awesomely executed chase sequence? Ben B, I hate you!!

Best Achievement in Sound Editing:

RICHARD KING – THE DARK KNIGHT

Finally!

Best Achievement in Sound:

IAN TAPP, RICHARD PRYKE, RESUL POOKUTTY – SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

Best Achievement in Editing:

CHRIS DICKENS – SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score:

A.R. RAHMAN – SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song:

A.R. RAHMAN, GULZAR – SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

The Slumdog Juggernaut in top gear!

While I am happy for A.R Rahman, I have mixed feelings about him winning two awards for THIS particular work. It probably sounds unique to the West which hasn’t been exposed to his music. But for me, at least, it was just more of the same old thing! But I suppose even we in India responded in a similar manner when we first heard his music. I just hope Rahman takes a brave new direction in his sound – he’s repeating himself.

Best Foreign Language Film of the Year:

JAPAN – OKURIBITO

Japan’s second big award this evening was an upset win over the favourite, “Waltz with Bashir” from Israel. Why Sweden’s “Let The Right One In” wasn’t on that list will forever remain a mystery to me. I suppose the Academy’s prejudice against Horror and Action isn’t restricted only to Hollywood fare.

And now, the Big Daddies of the 2009 Oscars!

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role:

KATE WINSLET – THE READER

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride – it seemed like Ms. Winslet would never walk those steps leading up to the stage at the Kodak Theatre. This year was clearly different. Having already lapped up two Golden Globes, this seemed to be the year when she made it – and it was!

The “Titanic” star has come a long way from being a chubby girl that was teased mercilessly by her Director on that film. Her moniker would have ended up being “Ms. Bare-It-All” for the sheer number of times that Ms. Winslet has stripped on screen…almost as often as Heather Graham and that’s not company a serious actress wants to keep. Her work has always been impressive and it was only a matter of time before she was given due credit for it. All she needed was to be in the right role at the right time.

This time around, there were few things that could go wrong – she was playing a German woman named Hanna Schmitz (that means an accent – the Academy loves that!) and the subject revolved around the Holocaust (the Academy loves that too). Her character had secrets to hide (which means the character has a dark side that’s hidden away) and in the end, the dark side swallows her (she kills herself and leaves behind unanswered questions and guilt for others to feel). The kind of handicapped heroine that Hollywood seems to love.

The other actresses nominated this year shared some of Hanna’s failings. Desperate women who had either given up on Life or had given in to it. But, and here’s the catch – none of them had an accent! Not even Dame Streep who holds a doctorate in Vocal Gymnastics. So, it’s no surprise that Ms. Winslet was a shoo-in for the Award.

I don’t mean to undermine her talent. And I am certainly not saying that she did not deserve to win. But this year, the Actress category had little to offer by way of breakthrough performances or even variety. And the Academy seems to have simply applied it’s tried-and-tested formula for selecting a winner. I just wish that someone with Ms. Winslet’s talent had won the Award for a meatier role or at least with better competition in her category.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role:

SEAN PENN – MILK

If Kate Winslet was a shoo-in for the Best Actress Oscar, then no one was a more likely candidate for Best Actor than Mickey Rourke. He was the year’s Underdog, the Ultimate Comeback Kid, and the Bad-Boy-Gone-Good. Yesterday’s down-and-out junkie was today’s Inspirational Video of the Day.

Already, Mr. Rourke had won every popular award in sight. Just on Saturday, both he and his film “The Wrestler” were the toast of the 2009 Independent Spirit Awards. In addition, he’d already won Best Actor trophies for that same role at both the Golden Globes and the BAFTA’s. The only place where he hadn’t done that well was on the Critics Award grid…those guys favoured Sean Penn seven to three. But he was the toast of Hollywood this season.

In these hard economic times, his character Randy “The Ram” Robinson was the kind of guy America did not feel threatened by. He was worse off than the whole lot of them. No money, few prospects and stripped of even his dignity. He was a loser. But he wasn’t a jerk. And Hollywood loves that!

Sean Penn, on the other hand, has always been a problem for Hollywood – political to the extreme, unapologetic for his views and behaviour, an outsider and a recluse who has always shunned the Hollywood lifestyle. But he’s a respected and highly gifted actor. He was nominated in the Best Actor category for playing Harvey Milk, the first openly gay politician elected to the office of San Francisco supervisor who was assassinated while still holding his post. Hollywood loves Biopics! And, ever since Ennis Del Maar and Truman Capote, they love gays as well!

Suddenly, the race didn’t seem like a done deal anymore. Mr. Rourke had competition. Still, the press seemed to have their bets placed on Randy rather than Harvey. Besides, Sean Penn had already received a Best Actor nod for “Mystic River” not too long ago, they said. Give Mr. Rourke a chance.

This was one category that had me biting my nails. I was on the phone when the category came up for announcement. I rudely hung up and turned up the volume. I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen. “And the winner is”…silence….drum-roll…”Sean Penn for ‘Milk’”. The crowd jumped up on their feet and I joined them. Mr. Penn kissed his wife and with a quizzical-looking expression that has become a permanent fixture on his face, he got up on stage, took the statuette in his hands, went up to the mike and wryly said – “You Commie, Homo-loving Sons-of-bitches!” Sean Penn is not going to bow down to anyone’s diktat! No-Sirrie! And that’s why we love him.

Best Achievement in Directing:

DANNY BOYLE – SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

Best Motion Picture of the Year:

SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

I haven’t seen “Shallow Grave” or even “Trainspotting”. All I knew of Danny Boyle was that he was the dude who’d made one of the best, bleakest and most effective horror films of this decade – 28 Days Later. And now, he’ll be known as the guy who made one of the best, brightest and most engaging films of this decade. Take A Bow, Mr. Boyle!

Given his track record, I had expected “Slumdog Millionaire” to be a bleak, “realistic” film. Of course, that’s because I haven’t read the novel it is based on. In addition, all the hype surrounding the film had convinced me that the film would definitely fall short of expectations. Boy, am I glad I was wrong!

Mr. Boyle (can I call him Sir Boyle already? ) managed the seemingly impossible – he shot a film based on a novel that not many could remember seeing in a book-store (even in India) which tells the story of a lad living in a country and in circumstances that someone in Mr. Boyle’s position had no reason to find resonance with. And yet, he did that without compromising on his technique, style and the way he likes to tell a story. The end product is an edge-of-the-seat rollercoaster ride where the viewer anticipates the next turn but is still shocked, surprised and thrilled by what the film-maker shows him.

And for that, Danny Boyle truly deserves this win.

This is a story told by an outsider looking in – a few clichés and prejudices are bound to creep in. Despite this, the Director has made a film that is honest and pushes all the right buttons. It is sad that the film has been largely rejected by the Indian audiences and has been criticized by the so-called Intelligentsia who say that it “shows only the degradation of Indian society” and insults the “centuries-old values and cultural heritage of this great nation.”

The naysayers can holler on till Kingdom come. For tonight, the film and it’s cast and crew have much cause to celebrate. This is a film that, at one point, could not find a distributor. And tonight has ended up with 8 Academy Awards. In true Slumdog style, this is one of Life’s genuine triumphs.

I cannot understand the tidal wave of criticism that has come down on “Slumdog Millionaire” in India. Slum dwellers or rather the social activists who “fight their cause” started off the tirade of words by opposing the choice of title. To them “Slumdog’ was a derogatory term that “debased” and “hurt the sentiments” of someone who actually lived in a slum. “Does the film-maker want to say that people who live in slums are dogs?” Any explanation by way to clarifying the term “Underdog” and how the title is derived from that concept fell on ears deafened by the entire din.

Another criticism levelled against the film (and which I feel is unfair and unbelievable) is that it portrays only one side of India…the poor one. At a recent awards function in Pune, Malayalam filmmaker Adoor Gopalakrishnan remarked about the film – “Slumdog Millionaire is a shame. It has merely depicted the degradation of Indian society…” He went on to say that the film had been made by a “westerner” (noted filmmaker Danny Boyle) and “has portrayed a wrong picture of India” adding that “it has looked at just one side”.

Why is that a bad thing? The film-makers have taken one side of India and decided that they want to make a film on it. What’s wrong with that? Is it a side of India that does not exist? No. Are they lying because they have shown poor people in India when, in fact, everyone is well-of and has enough resources to lead good lives? Far from it.

One needs to just step out onto the street to realise that poverty is a very in-your-face reality in India. Who are we kidding? Just because we’ve built a few shopping malls and have 10+2’s or Graduates working in A.C. offices hooked to a headset and pretending to be a “Tim” or a “Sandra” does not mean that India has suddenly, overnight become a Superpower and solved all it’s problems.

India’s biggest problem is it’s increasingly unmanageable population. And it is a fact that a large number of these people are poor. Just look at the numbers of slums that have cropped up in recent times in addition to those that have now become permanent settlements in so many parts of India’s metros! Why do people only want to gaze up to the neon lights and blaring sound-systems outside a Pune Central or an Inox Multiplex and totally neglect and ignore the sight of the little children on the street right outside those places, tugging at their shirt asking for a few rupees? Is that reality so ugly and undesirable that we have actually decided that hey, if we can’t wish them away, at least let’s pretend that there are no poor people in India. No more slums, no more beggars, no more children in torn shirts with their matted hair and snot-stained faces at the traffic signals.

Here’s a fact: India is a poor country. Yes, we have our I.T parks with manicured lawns. Yes, there are swanky malls and Louis Vuitton stores. Look, there’s even a McDonalds just around the corner where we could spend a tidy sum of money and still feel hungry afterwards. But is that really progress? Are we a rich, abundant nation?

Most of our cities cannot provide basic healthcare to everyone. Drinking water is scarce…and we are running out of it faster than we think. Our cities continue to run on borrowed electricity. Women and the elderly are soft targets (but not the only targets) for crimes of hate, crimes of misplaced morality, crimes that have their roots in the ever-widening divide between the “haves” and the “never-will-haves”. The police force is inadequately staffed (because it is inadequately paid) and unable/unwilling to take forceful action against those responsible. And everyday, as the number of people coming to the cities swells, I do not anticipate an early resolution for any of these problems. Oh, and FYI, these are just the problems of the urban middle-class. I cannot even fathom the range of problems and troubles that the urban poor and those in the hinterland have to endure.

“Slumdog” showed that reality. It was unflinching in it’s portrayal of the poor and the ones who got permanently left behind in the race for survival. These characters scrape the bottom of life’s barrel and are too desperate to try and find any meaning to their existence. These characters aren’t a figment of the film-maker’s imagination. They are as real as you and me…and we bump into them every time we step foot into the world outside the security of our homes.

Let’s be honest, the film was criticized because it dared to prick at the bubble of “India Shining”. It showed us that the more things seem to have changed on the surface, the more they have remained the same….maybe they’ve even gotten worse. For every mall that is built, for every new I.T Park or SEZ that is inaugurated by the Honourable C.M or Governor, there is a slum where fights over drinking water regularly break out , where hutments are surrounded by open sewage and whose denizens would be lucky if they got to eat that day. Most of our pet dogs are better cared for.

India has dreams of becoming a Global Superpower. Yet, on the lowest day of any of the worst-hit economies in the West, those Governments can still provide for the basic needs of a majority of it’s people. Can India even dare to make such a claim?

Mr. Gopalkrishnan and other so-called guardians of Indian society might want to remind themselves of these facts once in a while.

He works in the credit department of a consumer finance company. The company (a 2007 start-up) had made losses in recent times. New loan bookings were at an all-time low and had, in fact been stopped altogether. All employees had been put on collections duty – i.e tracing delinquent customers and recovering their monies owed to the company.

The state of the financial services industry being what it is, naturally, my friend was feeling insecure. The rumor mills in the company were in hyper-drive and he wanted to check out their verity.

I sat down with him and pulled out my Egorov Tarot deck. For questions that involve finding out the current and future positions ( of anything – a relationship, a job, etc.),  available options, extraneous influences ( known and unknown) and ultimately deciding on a course of action, I find the Horseshoe Spread an invaluably nifty little card layout.

I centered myself, shuffled the pack and mentally asked the question ” What is the future of my friend’s company and how will it affect him?”

The spread that emerged looked like this:

( From Left to Right )

1. Past – Two of Pentacles

2. Present – Page of Swords

3. Future – Four of Cups

4. Best Course of Action – Nine of Cups

5. Environment and Attitudes of those around you – Five of Pentacles

6. Obstacles – Six of Swords

7. Most Likely Outcome – Five of Swords

BASE CARD – The Tower

The Tower as Base instantly told me that the company was in deep trouble. The Four of Cups (Discontent) in the Future position, Five of Pentacles ( Poverty Consciousness, Losses) as the current environment and attitude of those in the company and Five of Swords (Strife, Failure) indicated that my friend’s fears were not unfounded.

Six of Swords -  the card of Earned Success and Movement away from trouble – was in the Obstacle position. Thus, at this point even hard-work  would have little impact on the situation…things were set to get worse! In addition, moving out of the job would not be easy due to lack of other options.

The Present – Page of Swords – was interesting to me. In the context of this reading, the card demonstrated the attitudes and hidden agendas of the company’s management. It is called the card of ‘The Spy” and that seemed to be what the company was doing with it’s employees. I told my friend to be careful about small things like not using his official email ID to send personal emails….Big Brother’s watching and will use this as a pretext to throw the Rule Book at him and him out of the company. Other prudent measures like not turning in fake/doctored medical claims for saving tax, ensuring that all his work files and papers were up-to-date and following any and all audit/process-driven technicalities would go a long way in safeguarding his job…for now. When the going gets tough for companies and they want to “downsize”, integrity or the perceived lack thereof among the employees becomes an excuse to shove them off.

Bottom line: The company would probably wrap up it’s operations within 5-6 months. The best course of action for my friend was to start looking out for another job THIS INSTANT and thereby spare himself the humiliation of being told that he was a bad worker and that he was being fired.

We sat up and did a couple of other readings as well – about potential job opportunities in Pune, outside Pune. We checked out whether he could start up his own business. By the end of the session, my friend had a clearer vision of the path he should take in these tough times. The Tarot helped someone yet again.

8 of Pentacles is a card from the Minor Arcana of the Tarot. Of the four suits of the Tarot, the Suit of Pentacles represents Earth. The traditional meaning of this card is ” New Learnings“. Other meanings attached to this card are:

• The Work Card
• Talent and it’s proper and good use
• Craftsmanship
• Work that is required to hone a skill
• Diligence, Perseverance, Dedication
• A new area of work tat involves application of oneself

The Quest for 1 Million Words would require all of these talents to come forth.

The 8 of Pentacles personality is the embodiment of all these meanings. Hard work comes naturally to them, as do diligence and dedication. They love learning new things and apply them with a passion. The end result of all these efforts is, normally, a near-perfect body of work that can stand scrutiny by the harshest critic.

Quite an apt title for a writing project

( 8 of Pentacles – taken from the Rider-Waite deck )

I was promptly informed that just because one can string a set of words into a grammatically-accurate sentence did not mean that one is a writer. I wasn’t Madonna…no one was going to pay to read my shit just because it was ME that had written it.

Rohit should know. A published author with over 3 books to his credit, he has sweated blood on his latest venture ( more on that in the blog). He said to me ” Jaideep, you say you want to be a writer. First, start writing. It’s not easy.”

To be a good writer, one needs to find one’s true and genuine voice…one that stands out in the motley crowd of Hinglish writers that India has been churning out an an alarmingly fast rate. And to be a good writer, first, one needs to understand, imbibe and Practice, Practice, Practice the Three Tenets of Writing:
a) DISCIPLINE oneself to sit and write every single day
b) Learn that there are SACRIFICES involved
c) Form the HABIT…NOW!

Lastly, a writer can call himself a writer only after he has churned out at least 1 MILLION WORDS.

So, here I go!